Werewolves fancy girls
by Prof. Pendragon
Summary: Sirius finally confronts Remus concerning a very important question, and gets an answer he doesn't quite expect. Set during the summer between GOF and OOTP. Featuring appearances by Fred, George, and Molly. Complete


**_Disclaimer: _**With the invention of movable type, reading became more and more common among the masses as cheap paperbacked literature became available. As an after effect of this increasing exposure, individuals would often negotiate texts placing literary characters in homespun tales that were told in storyteller settings, such as around the family hearth or in the public house, where maybe only one or two individuals could read. Therefore, I am only perpetuating a tradition that has evolved to be incorporated into an electronic format and grown to encompass other forms of media including songs, movies, television, and video games.

Eyes twinkle For those of you that don't believe that, I do not own anything. I am not making money off of this. And J.K. Rowling is bloody brilliant, and this all belongs to her. This is simply my interpretation of events, please, please, please don't sue me. I'm too young to litigate.

**_Warning: _**I was under the influence of Mountain Dew, whilst writing this story. It is rather silly/absurd piece of fan fiction and can be linked to larger cultural phenomena including Invader Zim and Eddie Izzard. Homosexuality is mentioned in this story, however, this story does not contain SLASH or any other members of various late 20th century metal bands. I am not against slash and I support him in his future endeavors. As far as the other type of slash goes; it is not so much that I'm opposed to slash, as I am opposed to the notion of making every charming, handsome, over 21, and dash clever male character gay. Come on, this is fiction that stuff happens enough in real life. And with no further ado,

**Werewolves Fancy Girls**

It was your average afternoon at Order Head Quarters. Well average, if you are living with an escaped convict, six Weasleys, and Hermione Granger. Average, if the place where you are living is taken out of some bizarre synthesis of the fifth level of Dante's Inferno and the dungeon scene in Snow White. And exceptionally average, if you are a former DADA professor, who just happens to turn into a wolf once a month.

Remus let out a sigh. It had been two weeks since what was now being dubbed as "the incident" and things still hadn't returned to normal, or even a merely slightly reasonable facsimile of what passes for normal in the magical world. It wasn't his fault, someone had the bright idea to leave him alone in the house with Fred, George, Ron, and Sirius for 72 hours without chocolate or books. What did they expect? He was only human after all. Well, most the time anyway.

Remus shook himself out of his thoughts. "Oh well, only three more days until Harry arrives and then most of the attention will be off me." He reassured himself. He was quickly warmed by thoughts of how truly angsty and hormonal Harry was and how that would leave little time for the others to remember "the incident". Suddenly cheerful, Remus started humming to himself as he walked towards the kitchen for some tea.

Outside the kitchen, the werewolf, formerly known as Professor Lupin, stopped dead in his tracks. Sirius and the Weasley twins were talking in there. And they were talking about him, and using words like "sexual preference" and "fancy." "Damn it, not again." he cursed to himself.

Remus had already had this conversation with James, Lily, Peter, and for some strange reason Peter's girlfriend at the time, she was a circus performer named La Rata. He paused for a moment and thought back on La Rata, a vertically challenged contortionist with a severe overbite, poor hygiene, and a moderate case of turrets. He and Sirius spent many nights in their youth speculating as to why a girl with some many opportunities would settle for Peter. Needless to say, they weren't surprised when she dumped him for a robotic, mongoose dog named Grrr.

Remus was pulled out of thoughts about his former friends, when Sirius yelled "The man is gay, he has to be. Why else would he think to put Snape in Old lady Longbottom's clothes?" Remus sighed and questioned: why he had to go through this again.

Remus burst into the kitchen, startling Fred and George. Well, at least that was the reason they gave as to why they were sitting on one of the bookshelves.

A truly wicked grin flashed across Sirius's face, he hadn't given Remus a hard time in over 14 years. Of course, that was not taking into account "the incident" two weeks ago but that wasn't his fault. And this was the perfect time, place, and opportunity. Not to mention the most important factor in all this, he had witnesses; ergo, Remus couldn't kill him on the spot when he asked his clever questions.

Remus crossed to the table, poured himself a cup of tea, and sat down.

"So Remus," the most likely of the Marauders to be committed to a social institution other than marriage started "pink or blue?"

"Blue, I guess." Remus, the most likely of the Marauders to bludgeon Padfoot to death with a tea cup in the next hour, replied.

Leaning back in his chair with a cocky half-smile, Sirius twinkled at Fred and George, who had made their way back down to the table. "I see, you don't sound too sure. Not really grounded in your preferences are you old friend? I would think that by your age, you would have an idea of what side of the fence you sat on concerning that issue." Padfoot said smugly. He was very proud of himself for collecting the evidence concerning Remus's sexuality with such cunning. He was sure Remus didn't even begin to fathom what he was really asking.

Remus arched an eyebrow, and looked over his tea cup at his friend. Slowly he started his internal mantra to soothe the wolf, _Can't eat him, Dumbledore would kill me. Can't eat him, Dumbledore would kill me._ Resisting the urge to start rocking in place, Remus simply said "That's right Padfoot, you've got me. I secretly like pink and blue. You are just too smart for ol' Mooney now, aren't you?"

Sirius had to stop himself from expressing his maniacal bliss at having finally figured Remus out. However, he allowed himself to do his famous "I be so much smarter than you" victory dance. First perfected in 6th year, when he, the great and wondrous Sirius Black, was the first among the Marauders to transform himself into a girl in order to try and trick Snape into kissing a boy, thus proving Snape was gay. Of course, James and Remus had outright refused to be involved. On the other hand, Peter had been ordered by McGonagall to stop all attempts at any form of transfiguration when he only managed to transfigure himself some man-breasts, earning him the nickname "Mr. Breasticles" from James. This little trip down memory lane brought doubt to Sirius's mind. He stopped mid-shoulder shimmy and sat back down in his chair.

He stared at the lycanthrope, trying to figure Remus's little wolfie brain out. _If Remus was gay, why didn't he want to be transformed into a girl so he could kiss even more guys than he could as a guy?_ Sirius was thinking hard now, _If I were a girl, I would defiantly shag me. So a guy me would shag a girl me. And a guy me would probably at least snog Remus, if Remus were a girl that is. But that was silly, of course a guy me would snog girl Remus. She would be sweet, and yet slightly aggressive. A predatory woman with a keen mind, a great sense of humor, a lust for chocolate, and a body for love..._ Sirius was pulled from his thoughts as George tripped as he unsuccessfully tried to escape from the kitchen after hearing Sirius exclaim things, such as "Yeah baby.", "grrrowwlll", and "who's the sexy beast?"

Sirius glared at George, "Were you going somewhere Mr. Weasley?" he asked. George simply shook his head and sat back down at the table. He was graced with sympathic looks from both Fred and Lupin.

But Sirius noticed none of this, he had a grander mission and he would know the truth. Glaring at Remus, Sirius almost shouted at the werewolf "Tacos or Hotdogs?"

Remus rolled his eyes, Sirius had always been a crazy prat. It seemed twelve years in Azkaban had only made things worse. "Tacos" he answered curtly as he picked up the paper.

Sirius was now pouting. _How could Remus like tacos? He was British, and a proper British gentleman doesn't admit to eating tacos. They admit to boring stuff with occasional references to melons in order to avoid not looking too ginger, they did not mention tacos. No, Remus was just trying to throw him off._ After a full three minutes of thoughtful silence, Sirius felt that he was out of dash clever questions. His cunning had failed, his best bet was to be direct.

And so it was as Remus finished taking a sip of his tea, Sirius asked "Remus, are you a homosexual?"

Remus, who the moment before was enjoying the fine flavor of the tea, did the mother of all spit takes drenching Fred and George in what seemed to be gallons of tea per to Murphy's law of comic timing. "What!?" he asked incredulously.

Sirius gazed at his friend, looking as sympathic as the day he had discovered Remus was a werewolf. Of course, Remus was quite disturbed by this. Before Sirius had finally figured out Remus was a werewolf with the help of James. Help being defined as James screaming at Sirius "He's a bloody werewolf, you git" for three months straight. Sirius had tried to convince James, Peter and even Remus that Remus was a Merman, a Halfling addicted to Entdraft, a skinny beardless dwarf, a Badger, a Half House-Elf, Dumbledore's lovechild and a donut. Actually, Sirius was trying to convince Peter and James that Remus was from Berlin but his German wasn't quite up to par. Needless to say, Sirius's concern was quite unsettling to the werewolf.

Sirius took Remus's worried silence as not having understood the question. So he tried to clarify, "Do you fancy men? Hit for the other team? Sleep with..."

But Remus cut him off. "Sirius, I am not gay."

Sirius looked thoroughly unimpressed by Remus's answer. "You just phrased your answer that way on purpose. You don't want me to know the truth. I know you aren't happy Remus. But what I want to know Mooney, is if you is or if you ain't a HOMO-SEX-UAL?" Sirius practically shouted the last word.

Remus turned to his friend and solemnly answered "No, I am not a homosexual." And the room went silent, save for the occasional drip of tea coming off the Weasley twins.

"Oh." Sirius finally responded. "So...um...Are you one of those bee-sexuals then?" Sirius asked. Remus almost had to jab himself with his spoon to keep from laughing. (A/N: Luckily he didn't though because poking a werewolf with a spoon is still classified as an original sin by the Church of England).

Not bothering to put down the paper, Remus spoke plainly. "No Padfoot, I not a bee-sexual or a bisexual. I do not have sex with or want to have sex with bees or other men. Werewolves, male werewolves fancy girls. I fancy women." Sirius looked shocked, scandalized, surprised, and slightly crazed but that was normal for him, especially after Azkaban. He made a move to talk but nothing came out, he was at a loss. _How could this have happened? _

Remus moved to Sirius's side of the table and stroked soothing circles on his friends back. "Padfoot, what's wrong?" he asked.

Sirius gave a little sob. "But you are so kind and well mannered. You are always the perfect gentleman. You dress nicely for your means. You compliment every woman you are friends with. You can handle any emotional situation." And then he whispered, "Are you sure?"

Remus gave a loud sigh and rubbed his temples. "Yes Padfoot, I'm sure. For as little good as did it does me, considering my condition, I only fancy women. So after the war, if we live through it, all I can hope for is finding a nice girl that believes in werewolves, wizards, gentlemen, and other fantasy creatures." And with that he gave Sirius, a final pat on the back and left the kitchen.

Sirius got up and moved to follow him. In the upstairs hallway, he met Molly Weasley, who was on her way to make up Harry's bed. "What's wrong?" she asked in her most motherly tone.

Sirius sniffed, "Remus fancies girls."

Molly looked quite confused, but tried to remain supportive. After all it wouldn't do if he went off the deep end and started killing her children. She smiled and said gently, "Did you just realize that?" Sirius gave Molly a quick nod.

"Come with me dear." Molly moved to an alcove in the hallway and removed her jumper, revealing a button down men's shirt.

Sirius was impressed. Molly did have quite a rack on her, Arthur must talk a lot about melons. He realized what he was thinking and stammered out "Molly...Mrs. Weasley...We can't. You're married. What of the children?" he pleaded.

Molly just laughed, "I'm just proving a point. Follow me." And with that Sirius followed Molly into the library.

Remus smiled as Molly entered and gazed intently on her eyes. Sirius shook his head, always the gentleman. Remus must be in complete denial.

Molly walked up to Remus and asked "Remus, can I ask you a quick question?"

Remus smiled and said "Of course, Molly. What is it?"

With the speed of a jungle cat, which are quite speedy I've been told, Molly positioned herself in front of Remus, who was sitting on one of the couches. She stood in such a way that his eyes were even with her chest. Then in a husky voice reserved for Arthur she asked, "What colour are my eyes?"

Remus was shell shocked. He stuttered out the first thing that came to his very male, very heterosexual mind, all illusions of Remus not fancying girls were shattered for Sirius. "I don't know, Molly...36dd...I mean blue...your eyes are blue." Then with speed of a bullet train, Remus fled the room. And down the hall Sirius could hear the sound of a shower being started. Molly raised an eyebrow to Sirius, who just headed downstairs. His world had changed so much.

Sirius returned to the kitchen, where Fred and George were still sitting. After taking a few minutes to absorb everything that had been said and done over the course of the past hour, Sirius turned to George and said "Sorry mate, better luck next time."

Fred looked despondent "But I was so sure."

George shrugged, "It was worth a shot. I figured if we could hook up the Potions Professor with a good shag, he would be less moody this year."

George nodded, "Aye. But we only have one more year of Snape and it is a NEWT level class."

If everyday life had sound effects, the furious glare that manifested in Sirius's eyes would have resounded like a clap of thunder. "You wanted to set up my very heterosexual, best friend for a shag session with Snivelus!!??" Taking this as their cue, both Fred and George fled to their room.

Sirius was about to go upstairs and kick their freckily arses, but an evil thought crossed his mind. Snivelus was gay. His childhood plan had worked, and he didn't even have to kiss the greasy git. All was right with the world.

Sirius went down to the basement to complete his chores for the day. These chores consisted of befriending rats, naming the Peter, killing them with a large rock Sirius had named James, and then feeding the various Peter rats to Buckbeak but they were his duty none the less. He gave a contented sigh, he had better get to work. He was a Marauder after all.

The End

**A/N: This is a one shot deal, so that is it. Thank you for reading, the prequel for this story entitled "No Chocolate and No Intellectual Conversation make Mooney something something..." will be posted eventually and will explain all the wicked details of "the incident". Thank you to my betas Horn Head and Rosie Padfoot. **

**If you are interested in the actual title, "Werewolves Fancy Girls", it comes from Eddie Izzard. The original line is "Transvestites Fancy Girls." **

**Also I Siriusly doubt, (I know I'm lame but the meds are helping) Sirius is as much of a lunatic as he is in this story but what can I say, I've got a commercial artist license. **


End file.
